9.2.17

He said yes

I could recall all those ‘depression’ towards my own plans, how rejections did matter so much to me but I couldn’t even express it because I didn’t want my parents knew I suffered. My first rejection was on August, from a place I do really want enroll myself into. Months passed, I didn’t really want to talk about it, so that it would leave any regrets no more. I enrolled myself to other places, companies and things, while joined the research team in campus. I tried my best to tell myself that this was okay, this was fine, at least I didn’t leave my background study—although I did really want to stop coming to campus (I’d come there for four years, it started to sicken me continuing the counts….lololol)

One day I met my best friend, we chatted for 2 hours, talking about what we have tried, what we have done. She told me she was already exhausted by the job seeking phase. Well, I also did. I told her I do really only want to work in urban studies, hoping this would lead me to government board, in this very exact board. Of course this conversation ended by wishing each other get a very best one. (About my ngotot-idealism, by the way, I did register myself to a profitable company, far from my background, seeking for some miracles to happen. But while I was in second step of its test, calculating numbers rapidly, I started thinking by my own: is this really what I want?

Ugh, no.

Then, God told me to stop, by not letting me continue the next step.

So I, once again, wandered around campus.)

After months, I considered to throw back on my very first interview, to contemplate: what have I done wrong—or, why did they pick others, instead of me? Well it was quite hard for me since I am not a kind of person who admit my weaknesses easily (LOL). So I pushed myself to write on my sticky notes on my computer desktop: 1. Karena belom wisuda 2. Karena jawaban: “Saya sebenernya tidak mau jadi PNS” (this was soooo out of control, an extreme slip of tongue while getting interviewed by a civil servant himself LOL) 3. Karena kurang memahami kebijakan pemerintah: ….

And then, in the end of December, there was a call for interview from the same place, different center. I was so nervous that I couldn’t even reply their email for a week (LOL). I heard some sayings from pengajian on TV, “Tuhan Maha Kaya, kenapa minta setengah-setengah? Minta aja yang banyak, enggak papa.” So I prayed a lot. Instead of asking Him to give me what He thinks the best for me, I asked Him specifically: to make this opportunity fits the best for me.

The drama begun while I didn’t hear anything from them on the day they promised the announcement. That day I was helpless. I cried a lot because I know it was something that wouldn’t come easily, and I thought I didn’t do my best for the damned second time. At the end when I could control myself, I took a grip on the most comforting, and also the truest saying: God knows best, God gives you the best, there must be a very good reason behind this (anaknya mencoba tegar wakakaka).

But…

When I have adjusted myself, God surprised me by His great power. He really did pick the very best timing for me. He really did answer my prayers. That day I cried a lot. That was too good to be true, not because I got accepted by a place I really wanted, but because I was amazed on how beautiful His way was to show His love.

***

Although the next posts will turn to be filled by my complains about exhausting working life, I think by writing this, could help me to remind myself, that God has shown His best choice for me, so it is my turn to do it as best as I could…. Well it doesn’t mean I won’t complain anything-lol, nope since I am still a manusia rakyat jelata-but at least I have things that surely will make me remember on His blessings in my life.

“Cukuplah Allah bagiku; tidak ada Tuhan selain Dia. Hanya kepada Nya aku bertawakkal, dan Dia adalah Tuhan yang memiliki ‘Arsy yang agung.”

28.10.16

It's Okay

This post graduate life...is confusing.
Perhaps it is not surprising that most of people's fear is their future. I am terribly afraid of where life's gonna flow me to.

My friends one by one pass this job-finding- phase, go into some benefit companies, make much amount of money, live independently and even send their parents some of their salary.
Some more are still enrolling themselves into big companies they thought is profitable in job fair, some of them are on the way up to it.

Me, here, still wandering around campus, sometimes greeting my juniors, sometimes (i should say) too shy to pass them like.... seriously, mbak, why are you coming here everyday?--those kind of stuffs.

Yes i want a decent job which will pay me monthly, with those big amount of money (of course i need much money! where do you think i get my lipstick from? lol). Yet i do really want to stay put on this urban planning line, i do want to be a real urban planner-if not, why do i graduated from there, then? And guess what, urban planning companies (mostly, consultant company) are not many, sure there are so many competitors around me. And i still haven't had my next opportunity to enroll myself to governmental board (after got rejected at my first try).
(Okay, i started to sound like a spoiling-complainer fresh graduate :)))

But then I keep telling myself,
"Hold on. You love staying on this line. You do want to be an urban planner. It's hard, it made you realize this way has never been easy. Stay put. Some will say it's too idealistic--well you'd say the same in the past. But the thing is, you just wanna live in the world you plunged into, absorb the experiences, experience great things... and you'll thank yourself in the near future."

For those who read this, if you know me, and accidentally bumped into me, and you know I forget those sentences I told myself to, please... slap me in my face!
:))

8.2.16

Tentang Rencana-Rencana

Dulu pas sma saya pernah banyak menemukan perdebatan batin yang berujung pada curhatan di notes facebook, tentang lanjut S2 atau... menikah.  Saya sendiri dulunya sempet enggan lanjut S2, karna aduh capek2 kuliah 4 tahun masa masih kurang. Tapi as times go on, semakin besar saya mendapati apa yg saya dapat di S1 rasanya kurrraaaaang banget. Ternyata 4 tahun saja tidak cukup. Banyak isu isu perkotaan yg semakin butuh penjelasan, penjabaran, pendapat, dan wawasan yang mendalam. Ah mungkin saya saja yg kurang banyak baca.  Lalu keinginan untuk memperdalam ilmu semakin menguat.  Sayangnya, dari pengalaman2 orang terdekat saya, dari lulus S1 lanjut S2, rupanya tidak mudah langsung mendapat pekerjaan. Saya dengar, masih ada stigma "perusahaan takut menerima lulusan master karna harus membayar tinggi mereka, tanpa melihat pengalaman mereka". Paling banter yg ditawarkan adalah peran sebagai akademisi, alias dosen. (Nggak, saya tidak beranggapan menjadi dosen adalah last choice, saya percaya menjadi dosen adalah pekerjaan yang mulia-well saya sendiri ingin kok jadi dosen.)  Jadi saya merasa pengalaman bekerja itu sangat penting, dan saya meneguhkan tekad untuk dapat pengalaman sebanyak2 nya, mengenal dan menjalani profesi perencana yg sebenarnya. Satu atau dua tahun lah. Lalu, setelah itu, saya harus lanjut kuliah. Harus.  Kalo ditanya pengen kemana, hmm sebenernya tahun 2010 lalu saya punya target 5 tahun ke depan alias paling lambaaat tahun 2015, harus ke eropa. Dan. Ternyata. Gagal.  Hm sebenernya saya pantas gagal sih, karna kesibukan2 ala mahasiswa cupu yang sok butuh lahan untuk aktualisasi diri, saya melupakan target pribadi saya itu. Dan di penghujung 2015, rasanya saya malu. Malu pada target yg saya tempelkan di pintu lemari saya 5 tahun yang lalu. Yang gagal di centang: [  ] tour de la europe. Jadi saya ingin kuliah di eropa. Pingin banget. Beberapa kampus idola sudah saya kantongi namanya. Hm. Tapi saya tahan2 dulu, semuanya harus terencana, harus sesuai rencana.  Sembari menyelesaikan studi S1 ini, saya harus mempersiapkan diri untuk dunia luar. Yang katanya idealisme mu akan dibenturkan dengan realita-bengkok atau pecah? Lalu nanti sambil bekerja, saya harus tetap ingat pada mimpi saya selanjutnya, be la jar. Katanya, "kalo udah kerja biasanya keenakan, trus lupa kalo mau lanjut sekolah". Well, saya harap saya nggak akan begitu. Saya harap mimpi ini gak akan semudah itu padam karna keasyikan punya uang.  Terus.. Datanglah pertanyaan selanjutnya. "Lho, kalo gitu kamu nikahnya kapan ten?" Pertanyaan ini 3-4kali udah terlontar oleh orang2 disekitar saya, termasuk ibu saya.   Well, saya ketawa2 aja sambil bilang, "tenang, nanti aku nyari beasiswa yang biayain keluarga, jadi ntar kuliah sambil bawa suami wgwg" gak ding, becanda. Yah saya belom siap2 amat mikirin pernikahan.  Saya masih ingin egois.  Lalu suatu hari yang hujan, saya terjebak dengan dialog 2 orang bapak2 yang membicarakan anak perempuan salah satu dari mereka, yang akan lulus master, dan belum juga menikah. Bapak 1 menasehati, "anak bapak jangan dibiarin enak2an seneng2 nimba ilmu lho Pak. Semakin tua dan semakin tinggi pendidikannya, semakin arek lanang iku wedi mau melamar" Bapak 2 menjawab, "iyo pak, ini nanti tak paksa harus lamaran sebelum wisuda. Dan gak tak bolehin ambil S3 dulu"  Well...saya sering denger yang begini. Bahwa wanita dengan background pendidikan tinggi cenderung ditakuti oleh lelaki. Hm.. saya ini belum jadi orang baik, belom pantes menjadi orang yang berbakti dan menyerahkan seluruh takdir,lahir,dan batinnya pada seorang imam, belom juga pantas mendidik seorang yang nantinya memanggil saya ibu. Teman saya pernah share gambar di grup yang isinya "seorang anak diwariskan tingkat intelektualitas dari 1 gen kromosom ibunya. Maka untuk lelaki, carilah calon istri yang pandai, bukan yang cantik". Well, i do not take notes about the last sentence, tapi yang jelas saya setuju dan percaya, seorang anak yang cerdas secara intelektual lahir dari ibu yang cerdas pula. Dan saya rasa saya bukan orang yang cerdas, padahal menjadi pendidik pertama seorang anak adalah kewajiban saya nantinya. Karnanya, setidaknya saya harus membekali diri dengan suplai wawasan sebanyak mungkin. Karna saya bertanggungjawab atas pendidikan  dan masa depan seorang anak nantinya. Jadi, apa yang salah dari memperkaya diri dengan sebanyak2nya pengetahuan dan pengalaman, untuk nantinya menjadi ibu yang mampu memotivasi anak2nya dengan cerita2 bergizi dari perjalanan hidupnya?  Saya emang sedikit takut telat mendapat jodoh (lol) karna life plan ini. Tapi saya percaya Allah perencana takdir terbaik, dan saya berserah atas qodho dan qodarNya. Saya percaya yang saya rencanakan, jalani, dan saya harap akan terlaksana nantinya, akan bermanfaat bagi diri sendiri, keluarga, dan orang2 disekitar saya. Saya percaya bahwa: "The biggest mistake you can make is removing jewels from your crown, to make it easier for a man to carry. You do not need a smaller crown--you need a man with bigger hands"  So yeah. Bismillah, semoga rencana2 ini terealisasi. Tanpa ada ragu2 dan ketakutan akan masa depan.