6.8.17

This girl once again asked to stop the time

My first time wishing stop the time from clicking was when i was at 4th grade. That was the time when my older bro and sis left home to get to boarding school out of the city. As the youngest one i just realized i missed being teased by those two. I did want to stop growing up, I didnt want anybody to get older either, to keep them around me, to keep me company.

But then she came to our family, took over my position as the youngest and spoiled-est. My young lil sister. She was the one i secretly took to accompany me taking my T-shirt on second floor at the peak of maghrib time, even when she was asleep, only because i was too afraid going there by myself. She was the one i idly showed my love to, but surely i do love her much, i just dont want to spoil her or simply bcs i just cant express affectionate action.

Now we were scattered and i was alone again, and for the second time i do want to stop the gushing time. It wont, of course.

Its true that we reflect ourselves leaving our young skin by watching someone else's growing up too (wow, i realize i am much older now that i see her all grown up!). Living at the present they say, but i am still in awe how time has changed me and people around me. And it takes so much guts to keep walking on this puzzling adulthood.
I wish i could freeze the time.


~

Just realized I never set good writing provides in prologue-main issue-epilogue systematically. But uh at least i tried to spill my chaotic thought here ketimbang q express it randomly on my Instagram Story where people are clueless about me. I chose to post it here, hide on this public yet personal sanctum on my very own diary hehe

9.2.17

He said yes

I could recall all those ‘depression’ towards my own plans, how rejections did matter so much to me but I couldn’t even express it because I didn’t want my parents knew I suffered. My first rejection was on August, from a place I do really want enroll myself into. Months passed, I didn’t really want to talk about it, so that it would leave any regrets no more. I enrolled myself to other places, companies and things, while joined the research team in campus. I tried my best to tell myself that this was okay, this was fine, at least I didn’t leave my background study—although I did really want to stop coming to campus (I’d come there for four years, it started to sicken me continuing the counts….lololol)

One day I met my best friend, we chatted for 2 hours, talking about what we have tried, what we have done. She told me she was already exhausted by the job seeking phase. Well, I also did. I told her I do really only want to work in urban studies, hoping this would lead me to government board, in this very exact board. Of course this conversation ended by wishing each other get a very best one. (About my ngotot-idealism, by the way, I did register myself to a profitable company, far from my background, seeking for some miracles to happen. But while I was in second step of its test, calculating numbers rapidly, I started thinking by my own: is this really what I want?

Ugh, no.

Then, God told me to stop, by not letting me continue the next step.

So I, once again, wandered around campus.)

After months, I considered to throw back on my very first interview, to contemplate: what have I done wrong—or, why did they pick others, instead of me? Well it was quite hard for me since I am not a kind of person who admit my weaknesses easily (LOL). So I pushed myself to write on my sticky notes on my computer desktop: 1. Karena belom wisuda 2. Karena jawaban: “Saya sebenernya tidak mau jadi PNS” (this was soooo out of control, an extreme slip of tongue while getting interviewed by a civil servant himself LOL) 3. Karena kurang memahami kebijakan pemerintah: ….

And then, in the end of December, there was a call for interview from the same place, different center. I was so nervous that I couldn’t even reply their email for a week (LOL). I heard some sayings from pengajian on TV, “Tuhan Maha Kaya, kenapa minta setengah-setengah? Minta aja yang banyak, enggak papa.” So I prayed a lot. Instead of asking Him to give me what He thinks the best for me, I asked Him specifically: to make this opportunity fits the best for me.

The drama begun while I didn’t hear anything from them on the day they promised the announcement. That day I was helpless. I cried a lot because I know it was something that wouldn’t come easily, and I thought I didn’t do my best for the damned second time. At the end when I could control myself, I took a grip on the most comforting, and also the truest saying: God knows best, God gives you the best, there must be a very good reason behind this (anaknya mencoba tegar wakakaka).

But…

When I have adjusted myself, God surprised me by His great power. He really did pick the very best timing for me. He really did answer my prayers. That day I cried a lot. That was too good to be true, not because I got accepted by a place I really wanted, but because I was amazed on how beautiful His way was to show His love.

***

Although the next posts will turn to be filled by my complains about exhausting working life, I think by writing this, could help me to remind myself, that God has shown His best choice for me, so it is my turn to do it as best as I could…. Well it doesn’t mean I won’t complain anything-lol, nope since I am still a manusia rakyat jelata-but at least I have things that surely will make me remember on His blessings in my life.

“Cukuplah Allah bagiku; tidak ada Tuhan selain Dia. Hanya kepada Nya aku bertawakkal, dan Dia adalah Tuhan yang memiliki ‘Arsy yang agung.”